Which Cleveland Indians Player Might Be Abducted By Aliens?


Any Number Of Cleveland Indians May Be Attractive To Aliens

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If you have ever seen alien abductions in movies or TV, or even in real life which would be pretty sweet, you know it does not happen near major metropolises, and generally the aliens are chasing after some sort of singular factor in the abductee.

Perhaps it’s a physical thing or something genetic they like and want to study.

It could  be a variety of reasons.

Maybe more generally it seems like they may want to get a craze-o to entertain them for a bit then dump a few hours or in the case of Billy Pilgrim many months later.

It’s not all science after all, we all want entertainment.

Based on statistics, which all baseball fans have some sort of love for, it stands to reason that sooner or later a Major League baseball player is going to be abducted. So it must be wondered, which Cleveland Indian will the little grey men snatch up?

Why does it have to be an Indian? Well, a few reasons. I don’t think it’ll happen to a player from a coastal team, there’s too much population near all those teams for the spacemen, they might be spotted. Plus the saltier air might do damage to their propulsion systems. Add to that the power and breadth of the media in those areas combined with everyone having a camera on their phone these days, you know word would get out.

So heartland teams then. Rockies are right out, NORAD is mere miles away and would likely detect the ship maybe try to do something about it. St. Louis would be off the list due to the aliens’ monitoring local Internet communications, and their fans can be insufferable. Chicago? Too big. Detroit? Too scary and looks too abandoned. Kansas City could work, but their modernist stadium design may confuse the aliens, whose analytic ways expect the HOK/Populous stadium template. Milwaukee could be a good choice, but trimming it from 30 to two makes it all much more likely an Indian would be chosen.

The added attraction of latent pollution and the resultant smells and possible mutations would be enough to sway the spacemen to coming to Cleveland though. Even if they don’t get a baseball player they could collect some amazing samples from the Cuyahoga and around Lake Erie.

There are several good candidates for abduction on the Indians, but we have to figure out what reasoning the aliens would have. They’d want something unique of course, but that could be either a curiosity or a marvel. The difference being basically, what you see at the freak show versus the rest of the circus. Or they could just want something fun to play with, or else just a nice template to analyze, some sort of “typical, average specimen” type.

The Curiosity

There’s a few guys on the team that are just odd. First that came to mind was David Murphy. At first glance he’s pretty normal. But if you look closer, that man has an incredibly long head. How much space is in there? Is his brain abnormally shaped? There’s so many questions that need answering, all before figuring out why he’s all elbows and knees. Does he even have bones or is it all joints? It doesn’t make sense for a person to be built that way.

Another thought might be Ryan Raburn. After all, there’s something fascinating about how a major leaguer can actually throw a ball like this. There’s not much else about him that’s curious, except perhaps his innate ability to pull multiyear contracts out of small market teams without any discernible, prodigious skill. That throw though, wow.

My next guess is questionable, because technically Jason Giambi isn’t really on the team. He was only on the team in 2014 on a technicality anyway, but the man has the broadest chest I’ve ever seen. Especially considering his chicken legs. In reality he probably has legs to make a bodybuilder feel shame, but considering what amounts to an office building’s worth of torso sits atop them, it proves the old adage “perception is a bitch”. If nothing else he could inform them of interesting new construction and cantilever methods.

Surely any alien civilization is much further along than our own attempts to ward off the inexorable encroachment of old age. Perhaps Scott Atchison has solved this quandary, perhaps he’s just immortal, either way he is truly a curious case. Though not so much Benjamin Button as he is Dorian Grey. He did spend a year in the mystic Orient, a land of strange magics and ancient wisdoms. It’s entirely possible he cracked some secret that allowed him to touch the Shadow Realm or some similar, higher plane of existence and now will never age, never die. It’s been reported that lithographs from the Civil War captured images of a man unmistakably alike Atch. No matter how advanced and powerful a civilization, they’d be fools not to dig deeper into his strange shrugging off the wizening of time.

The Marvel

Is there anything more marvelous on the Cleveland Indians than Corey Kluber? He is an incredible blend of the cybernetic and organic, a perfect fusion of man and machine. His mechanic Mickey Callaway would have to be included in the snatching for calibration purposes, but that’s on the abductors to figure out. You’d assume that an advanced race of beings wouldn’t need to look at something so seemingly trivial as a cyborg, but if the Borg have taught me anything, it’s that any new novel technology can only help. They’d love the Klubot. We’ve all long assumed that there’s more going on there than what humanity is thought to be capable of. And surely the US Government is constantly testing out new prototypes for destruction. Kluber’s abduction would be a good way for aliens to get a glimpse into our military capabilities. I still haven’t figured out why the Defense Department decided to hidea  killbot in Cleveland, but the whole “hidden in plain sight” idea has worked before. Just ask Jimmy Hoffa.

One must wonder how a man who may or may not wear ladies nylons can hit a home run pretty much every time he connects with the ball. Truly, Zach Walters is a marvel of humanity. So many players before him have gone through the motions like they’re an all or nothing guy, people throughout history have claimed they’re shooting for the stars no matter the cost, but to my knowledge only Zach Walters lives those words. The man hits bombs and has little time for anything else.Aliens might want him to figure out where all this power is coming from considering his relatively svelte size. He’s a wiry beast. The basis of any great advanced civilization lies in their ability to produce power as cheaply as possible. Humanity doesn’t have the technology to harness Walters yet. Who’s to say the men from the sky can’t? In case he escapes them, former Indian George Kottaras would surely suffice.

The Fun One

Sometimes aliens just want a guy to have around for entertainment or for company. In the cold reaches of space it gets lonely. You want someone to talk to. There are two, maybe three of those on Cleveland, Nick Swisher the most obvious. If you look up ebullience in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Swish grinning wearing sunglasses, throwing a “hang loose” symbol with both hands. He is joy incarnate. I can understand why that could get overwhelming. But in the button-down life of your average space explorer a man with that Eddie Murphy charm, that bounce to him that just makes the room brighter, that’s important. Someone like that is indispensable in any long trek, be it a baseball season or a multi-lightyear journey. For science he’s superfluous. But for a good time, call Nick.

They could go the more low key route with Carlos Santana, though with his recent trip to Japan I can’t tell if he just puts out an aura of relaxed fun because of his bedroom eyes. He’s got that Franco look to him. But the man is a joy in all ways. Even when he’s at the plate with that scowl of his there’s a playfulness to it all. Like he’s saying “yeah, this is all important and stuff, but we’re just playing a game”. I’d love to hang out with him more than any other player on the team, and I don’t even think we have anything in common.

There’s a couple others that could be plugged into this category, but they fit in more with…

The “Average Dude” Template

There’s a collection of players on the Indians that more than anything else just look like an average person, basically the template of “guy”. Any of them would be a suitable candidate for the average adult male as a candidate for abduction. Jason Kipnis, Lonnie Chisenhall, Tyler Holt, possibly newcomer Brandon Moss even if he’s a bit beefy, and the other new guy Gavin Floyd too. Man, wouldn’t it be just a kick in the pants if you sign to a new team and almost immediately get abducted by aliens? Considering what Moss and Floyd went through last year, one run over by that runaway Royals train in the Wild Card game and the other with a freak elbow injury, that’s some black cat under a ladder breaking mirrors and knocking over the salt type of bad luck.

There’s nothing especially amazing or even particularly special about any of these guys. They’re stupendous baseball players, some of the best in the world. That’s why they’re pros. But they’re also just so… normal. Seriously, if Kipnis wasn’t good at baseball, he’d be Clark Griswold of the 21st century, including being from a nice suburb north of Chicago. And Chiz? He plays baseball like it’s softball – it’s a game about hitting, not watching pitches go by. RIGHT, CARLOS? And I’m pretty sure Tyler Holt is actually a guy I went to high school with, pretending to be a baseball player.

Really, it depends on what the aliens want, what their experiments or media or populace or whatever clamor for. To me, it comes down to Atchison and his defying of nature, the strange science of Kluber, and Kipnis. Every time I read a story about Kip, hear a quote or watch him goon around with Chiz in the field, he just seems like your average dude who happened upon a baseball diamond and figured it seemed like a good time. Whoever they target, we as Indians fans, and baseball fans in general, must appreciate these men because before long that strange glowing disk will show up and whisk our favorites away to Tralfamadore. And so it goes.