Sunday Satire #2

Scott Kazmir Issues Public Apology to Trash Can

On Saturday night, former Indian Scott Kazmir was ejected by tough guy Jerry Layne with no warning for arguing balls and strikes.  On his way to the dugout, Kazmir threw his glove and kicked a trash can.  The assault was shocking and unexpected.

“I wanted to apologize to the trash can,” Kazmir confirmed while choking back tears. “It did nothing wrong.  I was just frustrated is all.”

Perhaps the most unfortunate part of this incident was that Kazmir was only days away from finalizing a multi-million dollar endorsement contract with Hefty, the official supplier of garbage cans for major league baseball.  This incident, of course, destroyed any chance Kazmir had of closing that agreement, worth nearly half of his annual salary.

“It’s a shame,” said Trisha Khan, CEO of the Hefty Corporation.  “But his public image in the trash receptacle community is damaged beyond repair.  We can’t have him be the face of our products anymore.”

The trash can could not be reached for comment.

Indians Hitters Confused About Scoring Concepts

In recent interviews, Cleveland Indians Nick Swisher, Carlos Santana and Ryan Raburn all expressed great pride in being three of the few players talented enough to keep their batting averages trimmed to a number below .200.  As of Sunday evening, Raburn was batting .177, Nick Swisher was batting .196, and Carlos Santana was batting just .152.

The players were in shock when told that baseball was a game in which more hits and a higher batting average was actually a good thing.

“I was completely blown away,” said Swisher.  “I’ve worked hard for years to get to a place where I could bat below the Mendoza line.  Johnny Cueto’s ERA is below 2.00 and everyone raves about his performance.”

“I thought it was like golf, where the lower numbers were better,” Santana admitted.  “Haven’t you seen my swing lately?”

“Crap,” said Raburn. “I guess I didn’t have a down year in 2013, after all.  Does that mean we aren’t winning the AL Central right now?”

All three players left their respective interviews completely bewildered and immediately went to the batting cages.

According to Prospects, Major League Harder than Minors

Recently, Indians prospects C.C. Lee, Jose Ramirez and Jesus Aguilar have all gotten a chance at the major league level.  The results have not been positive.  Ramirez and Aguilar have hit in less than ten percent of their at-bats, and C.C. Lee’s ERA is nothing to brag about.

The rookies claim that the reason for their struggles is very simple:  Playing at the MLB level is just a whole lot harder than playing in the minors.

They may be right, as a few recent studies and some common sense reveal that hitters and pitchers at the major league level are more skilled, and overall have more consistent track records than those in the minors.  Their skills may be correlative with their experience too, as the same study reveals MLB players to have more professional experience, on average, than the average minor league player, even at the AAA level.

The study revealed nothing conclusive about a comparison between major league players and those playing in independent baseball leagues.

The players admitted that they wish they could simply make a major league salary but only have to pitch or bat against minor league ballplayers.


These stories are entirely fictional and do not reflect the views of Wahoo’s on First or its affiliates.  We are all avid Cleveland Indians fans, and any satire is good-natured and not intended to offend any Cleveland Indians players or employees, for whom we have great respect.  All interviews with Cleveland Indians players or employees are entirely made up and fictional.