If the Indians Went to the Olympics

Which Sports Would the Indians Compete in at the Olympics?

Forgive me for not wanting to over analyze the tremendous Bryan LaHair and Elliot Johnson signings, but I’d rather gauge out my own eyeballs than write about that type of so-called talent. I know LaHair was an All-Star in 2012 for the Chicago Cubs, but does anyone remember how bad the Cubs were? It was by default. And why would you sign anyone named Elliot? It’s a terrible baseball name and no one with the name is in the Hall of Fame, first, last, or middle name. Depth be damned, there hasn’t been much to get excited about with the Cleveland Indians off-season to this point. So, how about we take a break from the nothing that is happening to enjoy some Olympic coverage?

As you snuggle up with your wife to watch figure skating and ice dancing in the coming weeks, you can take solace in the fact that Spring Training is coming and that you aren’t in the closets and pillows that Russia is calling rooms and beds in Sochi. But if you need to daydream about baseball, how would the Cleveland Indians fit into the various sports in the Winter Olympics?

It has come to this…

Aug 29, 2013; Atlanta, GA, USA; Cleveland Indians center fielder Michael Bourn (24) singles against the Atlanta Braves in the third inning at Turner Field. Mandatory Credit: Brett Davis-USA TODAY Sports

Michael Bourn – Bobsled Team

Hershel Walker once did it and LoLo Jones is doing it for the women’s squad this year, so it doesn’t take a whole lot of experience. While Walker was a beast and could kick your butt as an MMA fighter today, Jones hasn’t really done much of anything. She runs fast but she never wins. Bourn runs fast and he gets on base at a .335 clip for his career. While that isn’t necessarily lead-off material, power and speed are a part of Bourn’s game, and they are both very useful in the initial push for the sleigh. Bourn was born to do this event.

Yan Gomes – Biathlon

Sure, he’s from Brazil and may not have a lot of skiing experience, unless he’s an unknown mountain man, but Gomes has the gun behind the plate, so why not let him shoot and ski together in this event? After picking off 41 percent of would-be base  stealers in 2013, Gomes has forced the Indians to give Carlos Santana a look at third base, clearing the catching position for the 26-year-old. He may be a mess on the skis, but Gomes adjusted nicely to full-time catching duties in 2013, so he’ll adapt.

Feb 26, 2012; Phoenix, AZ, USA; Milwaukee Brewers relief pitcher John Axford (59) during photo day at Maryvale Baseball Park. Mandatory Credit: Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

John Axford – Hockey

He’s got the crazy facial hair and the closer’s mentality to be a natural enforcer, and the Canadian blood to be elite. Apparently, being Canadian is all that is needed in my mind, but it’s good enough for me. Take a 6’5″, 220 pound man and put him on skates, and he becomes a tall man on skates who can intimidate the smaller, finesse game that comes along with those European players. I probably should have gone to Steve Kinsella with help here for hockey (since he covers the Lightening in Tampa), but this is clearly not a piece built on research or tremendous thought.

Nick Hagadone – Skeleton

When Hagadone slammed his left forearm into a door in July of 2012, due to being horrible at pitching during that time and assaulting himself to make things appear better, he had to have surgery and miss the remainder of the season. This type of nonchalant approach to the value of your own body would make Hagadone the perfect Skeleton event participant. In the Skeleton, Hagadone would go head first down an ice track and reach 5 g of force. I don’t really know what that means because I am an English teacher and not Bill Nye, but it seems quite dangerous. Perfect for Hagadone and his lack of bodily concern!

Jul 26, 2013; Cleveland, OH, USA; Cleveland Indians designated hitter Ryan Raburn (9) hits a game-winning three-run home run in the eleventh inning against the Texas Rangers at Progressive Field. Mandatory Credit: David Richard-USA TODAY Sports

David Murphy and Ryan Raburn – Half-Pipe Snowboarding

For the first ever team half-pipe, which isn’t a real event, I’m going to put Murphy and Raburn together. I understand that based on physics, this isn’t possible, but hear me out…David Murphy would do his high-flying routine on the right side and Raburn would do his on the left. Why? Because as a platoon, Murphy would only hit the right side and Raburn would only hit the left – just like in baseball! Certainly, if they went to the other side, they may have occasional success, but they are more likely to break something or fall on the way down. They are no “Flying Tomato”, but Murphy and Raburn, together, could create magic together by feeding off of each other’s strengths.

Danny Salazar – Speed Skating

Give me a triple-digit fastball or put him in a tight outfit on a small blade traveling at the same rate of speed, because Danny Salazar is capable of anything. Not only is he likely to become a superstar due to his sexy repertoire on the mound, but his grace and ability to change speeds (see: amazing split-change) allow him to be comfortable in whatever role he is needed within. There are always injury risks involved in pitching and the wrong turn on the ice could also be devastating for his career, but the ceiling for both is a legitimate No. 1.

Sep 19, 2013; Cleveland, OH, USA; Cleveland Indians first baseman Nick Swisher (left) celebrates his double beside Houston Astros second baseman Jose Altuve (27) in the first inning at Progressive Field. Mandatory Credit: David Richard-USA TODAY Sports

Nick Swisher – Ski Jumping

Nick Swisher seems like the kind of guy that you become great friends with who will do any dare that you present for a 22 ounce beer. For this event, that 22 ounce beer is presented to the Brohio Governor to become an Olympic champion in the most insane sport this side of Skeleton – the Ski Jump. I could just picture Swisher’s chaw-filled smile and laugh as he’s flying nearly 400 feet down the side of a mountain, and I imagine that he’d do this event in a short sleeved t-shirt. Upon completion, there’d likely be a keg stand celebration, as that is the kind of party that my Nick Swisher appears to throw.

Jason Kipnis, Asdrubal Cabrera, Lonnie Chisenhall, and Carlos Santana – Curling

This team of four used to make up the infield, but now, they’ll be the greatest curling team ever. Why? Because Cabrera and Kipnis make a great double-play duo, while Chisenhall and Santana provide enough untapped potential to be masters with the broom to control the path of the stone, just as they do with a baseball bat and ball when things are going right. The athleticism and teamwork that this team could demonstrate would make the Canadians cower in fear, while the Dutch would still be hated by all for no apparent reason.