Cleveland Indians Resolutions for 2014

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Resolution #3: Help Slider Lose Weight

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Slider, the lovable mascot of the Indians, could stand to lose a few pounds. While he has never been a model of physical well-being, he certainly has seen better days. His ever-growing spare tire is a symbol of excess and gluttony that needs to be put into check. I’m sure there are also a number of other underlying health problems that Slider should have addressed. For example, what is his cholesterol? Is he pre-diabetic? What is his BMI?

Someone should get slider to his primary care physician ASAP to get these things checked out. Actually, does Slider even have a primary care doctor, or has he not been to a doctor in over 10 years like most young adult males? On the flip side, I feel sorry for the poor doctor that has to administer that exam. How does one go about checking the prostate of a large, magenta, fluff ball? Does he even have a prostate to be checked? This all leaves us with so many more questions than answers.